I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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