We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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