All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
