So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
