So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
