Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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