Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
