Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
