this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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