On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
