Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
