theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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