Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
