guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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