I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
