I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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