why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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