thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
