I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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