my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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