So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
