hotel room ftw
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
