The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
