I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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