I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
