i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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