I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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