whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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