im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
