Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
