im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
