never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
