when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
