I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
