Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
