I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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