I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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