All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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