I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
