I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
