i wish my penis had a tongue
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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