Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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