just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize