How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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