Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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