Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
