I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
