seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize