His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
