I'm sorry my penis didn't work
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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