So drunk its hurt
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
