My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
