I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
