Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
