haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize