I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
