It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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