DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
