don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
