Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
